Just Be There - 22Jan19

I had the luxury of traveling away from my present hometown for a quick 36-hour trip to take care of a little business and visit with two friends that I hadn't seen in 15+ years (other than on FaceBook). Fifteen+ years ago, we spent a fair bit of time together several times a month, and then life happened, people moved away, interests changed, people just did 'people stuff', and life moved on.  We stayed tangentially connected because of social media, which sometimes feels more intimate than it actually is.  Sometimes it does serve a degree of intimacy.

With one friend, it was a treat to be able to sit face-to-face sharing a meal of good Tex-Mex and just catch up.  We'd talked for well over an hour, suddenly noticing how easily we fell back into that camaraderie that we used to share, and took completely for granted. So many stories we re-told, and so many were left unspoken.

With the other friend, we sat in her living room, in adjacent comfy chairs with her cats exploring as they chose, and the same magic happened.  Real people, real life, real stuff.  Clearly time had passed, but it was an illusion that the passing of time made any difference at all.  What a joy.

Then later in the day, I was in the airport terminal having a lovely meal before heading out and I watched the people walking by.  Since I used to live in this town, part of me wondered if I'd see anyone I recognized.  No, and that was OK.  

There was one young couple that caught my attention for several minutes, he was leaving and she was not.  She did the obligatory recording of him waving goodbye, interrupted by a farewell kiss and hug, she watched him as he made his way through the security checkpoint.  Who sang the song, about it being easier to be the one leaving than the one left behind? I'm sure I could find out, if it mattered enough.

Maybe that's what we are here to do.  Just be there. Be present and support each other in any way we can. That's quite a good gig.

Who Do You Listen To? 19Sept18

Lots of people want to talk with me.  Lots more say they want to, and then don't quite follow-through for a variety of reasons.  Sometimes, people just need to hear themselves speak out loud about their concerns, worries or issues to a listening and compassionate ear, and then they figure out for themselves their best way forward.  Sometimes they really do need to speak with someone who has ideas or suggestions of books they could read, or actions they could experiment with, that help them find a beneficial or productive way forward.

I'm going to make an assumption (risky, I know) based on conversations with everyone I have ever had in any circumstance, with every book about psychology I have ever read, and my own personal experience, each of us has an internal dialog that goes on constantly within our minds.  And that internal dialog bears a lot of similarities with, but may not be exactly the same as, the exchanges that happened in our homes as young children. If you had critical parents, as I did, then that internal voice can have a strong bias towards being critical and judgmental.  It wasn't their fault. Critical parents raised them too. Further, there's a commonly-held belief based in fundamental Christian and parenting methods at the time, that children were all hedonists at heart and needed structure, rigidity and control, so that 'they would grow up right'.   

As a result, many (all?) of us have this critical voice that resides in our minds. The first challenge is to recognize that this voice is part of our history and the story we tell ourselves, and that it is not who we are.  Once we are aware we have this critical voice, we can recognize that we get to decide whether to listen to it and try to satisfy it (impossible, by the way), ignore it by numbing out (effective, but not ultimately useful), try to outrun it, argue with it, or make some peace with it. Running away doesn't work, this critical voice is like our shadow, always present. Arguing with it, while sometimes effective, tends to create an argumentative point of view towards life, so that's no fun at all.  So how do we make peace with this critical voice?  

Thich Nhat Hanh, in his little book How To Love, shares these thoughts, As long as we're rejecting ourselves and causing harm to our bodies and minds, there's no point in talking about loving and accepting others.  With mindfulness, we can recognize our habitual ways of thinking and the contents of our thoughts.  Sometimes our thoughts run around in circles and we're engulfed in distrust, pessimism, conflict, sorrow or jealousy.  This state of mind will naturally manifest in our words and actions and cause harm to us and to others.  When we shed the light of mindfulness on our habitual thought patterns, we see them clearly.  Recognizing our habits and smiling at them is the practice of appropriate mental attention, which helps us create new and more beneficial neural pathways.

Self-kindness and compassion is a great place to start.  And sometimes, that's enough.  It we want to increase our management of our interior world, we decide to choose how we want to treat ourselves, rather than just acting out our default programming.  (I'm carefully avoiding the 'c' word, control, because even the thought of control empowers the critical voice.)  Another action we can take that increases our interior awareness is to practice meditation.   As one of the basic spiritual practices that we teach (and practice), CSLT provides many opportunities for learning, experimentation, and practice. If you don't know how to meditate, don't know who to ask, or would like support in this, please ask me, or our practitioners.

This blogpost was inspired by 'World Suicide Prevention Day' (September 10th).  Have a look at this powerful article (qz.com/1381952/suicide-hotlines-really-do-save-lives-i-know-because-one-saved-mine/) written by Corrine Purtill, who reached out when she was suicidal and spoke with a compassionate person at a suicide hotline.  That action saved her life.  We never know how we can help ourselves, and others, by being kind and listening with an open heart.  

"You Spot It, You Got It" 12Sept18

There are a couple things I really despise about being on this path of becoming more awakened or more conscious.  The first one is probably 'If You Spot It, You Got It'.  I have no idea where I heard that first.  I know I've heard the idea over and over again, through the years. It lurks in the back of my mind, just waiting for me to be irritated at someone or something, or annoyed because someone else doesn't do what they say they will, or live up to some agreement that I think they/we made.  One of my hottest hot buttons is when I feel like someone is acting 'out of integrity'.  If I'm present enough in the moment of the situation, I stuff my momentary reaction until I have a chance to mull it over in depth and detail.  What I usually discover, upon reflection, is that whether another is acting in integrity or not, that's not in my control.  What is in my control is when I become conscious that I have acted out of integrity or out of alignment with my values and ideals, and that is what is in my control to change. Ahhh....  That self-responsibility clause that is just so ...  freakishly annoying, and so ever-present.

This week, one of the shipments that showed up in my mailbox from Amazon was a book calledThe Family Virtues Guidewritten by a couple of psychologists, published in 1997.   When I opened the package, I wondered what I was thinking when I had so intentionally clicked that 'buy now' button.  So, I skimmed through it last night, marveling at how even the notion of virtues seems to have gotten lost, or at least significantly transformed, in the last 20 years.

This book lists 52 virtues and a way that a family, or any group I suppose, could work with one each week and pay attention to how they enact and experience the highlighted virtue during the week.  Is there something quaint or archaic about ... caring, cleanliness, compassion, confidence, consideration, courage, courtesy and creativity as virtues, or values?  Is it that the prospect of living out of our virtues-- requiring a certain amount of familiarity with, and trust that, life is for us, for our benefit--seems to be in such short supply? What about tact, thankfulness, tolerance, trust, trustworthiness and truthfulness?

Part of me wonders if we still have the capacity and wherewithal to be that present to/with ourselves. The rest of me knows that we do, and we get to continuously and perpetually choose and re-choose whether to live from that consciousness, or not. This isn't a new issue, though it seems like it. A snippet of a poem by William Wordsworth, written sometime between 1800 and 1850, came to mind.  It will be familiar to you, too.  "The world is too much with us, late and soon.  Getting and spending, we lay waste our powers; Little we see in Nature that is ours; We have given our hearts away, a sordid boon!" and from our old friend Henry David Thoreau (in the chapter "Economy" from Walden), "The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. What is called resignation is confirmed desperation. ... A stereotyped by unconscious despair is concealed even under what are called the games and amusements of mankind.  But there is no play in them..."

I know that we do have the capacity within ourselves to be self-reflective, to recognize the good of the many also serves the individual good, once we get a broad enough perspective, and own up to our own selfish tendencies and motives. Dr Martin Luther King spoke/wrote, in his sermon Loving Your Enemies(you'll recognize this too), "Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate multiplies hate, violence multiplies violence, and toughness multiplies toughness in a descending spiral of destruction. ... Have we not come to such an impasse in the modern world that we must love our enemies -- or else?"  Of course, he was writing during the Cold War, and we seemed on the abyss of worldwide annihilation.  Perhaps, still true. 

And yet I see lights in the darkness when I choose to look for them and focus my intention and my resolve on upholding them, enlivening them and becoming them.  One such 'light' is Liz Kleinrock, who taught 4th grade in a charter school in Los Angeles and taught her kids about how to be an ally or an advocate instead of an uncomfortable or unconscious bystander.  (www.karmatube.org/videos.php?id=8195)  From Stoic philosopher Seneca, "The rational soul is stronger than any kind of fortune -- from its own share it guides its affairs here or there, and is itself the cause of a happy or miserable life."  So let's hear it for continuing to be attentive to our own lives, and striving to become the kinds of individuals who intentionally create the lives they choose.   

Wherever You Go... 26May18

I haven't written here for a long while. A lot has changed.  And in some ways, nothing has changed. Just like life. Superficials change.  Deep content changes much more slowly, if at all.

Seth Godin wrote in his blog today, "You can't please everyone.  We know this.  Each of us knows it. From experience. From logic. By doing the math. It can't be done.  Okay, fine.  So, what are you doing about it?  When you're creating something, are the possible reactions of the people you can't please weighing you down? And when you inevitably end up disappointing someone, how do you react or respond?  It doesn't do any good at all to know that you can't please everyone but not use that knowledge to be bolder, walk lighter and do better work for those you can please."

I woke up this morning contemplating 'running away from home'.  This is nonsense of course, because there's nowhere to run to.  John Kabat-Zinn wrote (and he probably wasn't the first), "Wherever you go, there you are."

The last time I remember really having this thought for more than a second, I was trying to decide whether to apply for a job out of the country.  It would have been outrageously exciting and new, a challenge for sure since I didn't know the language and it was a huge stretch for my skill-set.  I knew I could do it.  I wasn't sure I wanted to.  It was pretty clear though, since I was pondering it, that there was something 'there' for me to look at.  

That night I had a dream.  In that dream, I was riding the biggest, baddest wave I have ever imagined on a short stubby surfboard.  And I was doing it successfully.  Mind you, I can barely swim, so the notion of riding a wave like this is really beyond my tolerances.  Then the dream shifted, as dreams do, and I was looking at myself in a scene that was ... well, simply dull, boring and utterly normal.  The thought that rose up in me was that I could do whatever I desired to do, be and become, regardless of where I was.  Place didn't matter.  Circumstances didn't matter.  Situations didn't matter.  The bulk of  'my work' is internal, my primary work on me and how I chose to engage with my world, no matter how it appeared.  

I'm giving a talk tomorrow.  It's called 'Freedom's Price'.  I think I'm going to be talking about the perceptions of ourselves we have to give up in order to live as full expressions of ourselves as divine beings, or children of the divine (if that is an easier concept to wrap your mind around).  We live and move and have our being in, of, as and through (our experience and expression of) the divine, as us.   

In order for me to be free, I have to give up my stories that say otherwise.  I have to give up my story of being helpless, small and insignificant and somehow victimized by my life.  I have to give up the story that the stuff has happened to me, has happened tome, and I've had nothing to do with its creation.  I also have to give up blame of others, blame of myself, any sense of shame and any belief in guilt.  These are very tall orders.  That's the price of personal (and collective) freedom. 

In Spiritual Economics, Butterworth wrote, "You are an unborn possibility of limitless life, limitless intelligence, limitless substance, and yours is the privilege and responsibility of giving birth to it."

In The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz wrote, Be impeccable with your word, Don't take anything personally, Don't make assumptions, and Always Do your Best.  Many of us have studied this text more than once.  These four 'simple' agreements seem to be impossible to consistently achieve, and yet the primary benefit is in their practice.  In The Companion Book to the Four Agreements,Ruiz wrote, "The Four Agreements are a tool of transformation, leading you to stop judging, mainly yourself, and to start practicing another way of life.  They lead you to stop to guilt, the shame, and the self-rejection; they help you break the agreements that limit the expression of your creativity, and replace them with new agreements that facilitate the expression of your love."

I'm game. Are you?

Is That True?

I've been thinking a lot about the archetype of the orphan child these last few days.  In classic literature, the orphan has to have the experience of abandonment in some form or another (vis-a-vis: Harry Potter, Luke Skywalker, two more recent popularized orphans), in order to experience strength and self-reliance.

In the study of Caroline Myss' Sacred Contracts, everyone is born with a child archetype that they work with as part of their 'contract'.  Orphan is one that is often chosen because many, if not most, people recognize that they have repeatedly felt abandoned over the course of their lives.  The dark side of the orphan is either about creating needy surrogate family situations or pretending to not need anyone (the "I am a Rock, I am an Island" scenario, sung by Kenny Rogers and others).  A healthy orphan experiences a strong personal sense of self-reliance, including the awareness of successfully working, living and succeeding solo, and at the same time does not shut others out.  An orphan working with light attributes finds themselves more in the realm of interdependence, capable of comfortably working singularly, and also capable of working interconnectedly, but without demanding excessive participation from others. 

One of the stories told by orphans is that life is hard and they have to struggle to obtain or achieve anything that they might desire. The funny thing about orphans is that they can be wildly successful, and they have had to really, really, really work hard at it.  Nothing can ever come easy to an orphan, because .... well, it just can't.  Nothing is allowed to be easy, because then the orphan story might be recognized as the story that it is, and not the truth that it isn't.

I had a challenging and somewhat disconcerting interview this past week and was wildly successful (see the bread crumb trail?).  As I settled in for the night, I was ruminating on that particular series of events, because I also know that as a spark of the Divine Mind, I create or at least co-create every event in my life.  In the wee hours of the morning, I awoke with the sudden and overwhelming realization that the orphan story, which has been a predominant story in my life, was just a story and was not actually the truth.  The truth of my being is that I am a beloved child (or adult) of God and that all things work together for my good, no matter what I may have previously experienced or thought. 

So I got busy reframing my story, recognizing myself, first and foremost, as a divine spark, one for whom the world is a joyful open book with loads of cool possibilities and luscious opportunities.  I was even mostly able to remember that when the cable company managed to delay the installation of my high-speed internet, again. 

And so it goes...

Chapters, 26Jun12

Yesterday I went over to Casa Grande to the last charity quilting day at Kokopelli Quilts.  Sandy is closing up the shop, moving back home to Missouri to be nearer her biological family, to play with her grandkids and great grandkids and watch them grow up. It was a bittersweet day, commemorating so many happy times, such joy, such sharing, community and bonding among these women who gathered monthly to work on quilts to give away to people who they would likely never know.  When I heard that the day had finally arrived, which we all knew would come eventually, I told Sandy that I'd move heaven and earth to be there.  I did and was.  I gathered my partially completed give-a-way quilt, additional fabric bits, and my portable sewing machine; I also tossed in my current crochet project that has to be completed by this Saturday for a baby shower.  As I drove the 80+ miles to the shop, I reminisced about the many days, weeks and months, all the many quilts, and all the camaraderie that lives in my memory from those days. 

The night I made an offer on my Arizona City house, I was at loose ends in Casa Grande and wondered whether any of the local quilt shops had open sewing on Thursday nights like they did back in Houston.  I drove by Kokopelli Quilts and the lights were on, so I stopped and went in.  A dozen ladies were sitting around, talking, laughing and quilting.  Sandy asked, "May I help you?"  I said I was a quilter who had just bought a house locally.  She said something to the effect of "Where have you been, we've been waiting on you" and I knew I had found myself a community, right then and there.  All I had with me that night, since I had flown in, was a crochet project.  So it was fitting on the last project day that I have a crochet project in tow. 

As we shared the potluck lunch, Mary gathered emails and phone numbers, so that she could re-engage each of us, once she finds us a new location for our gatherings.  Once she finds us a new home, the Kokopelli Quilters will continue to make quilts to give away to those in need for comfort, remembrance and solace.  The quilters will continue to have a rollicking good time doing it.  And yes, the baby quilt will be finished in time for the shower on Saturday.  

"I Love the Now"

Every time I hear Jimmy Buffett sing "I Love the Now" I remember that I always live in choice.  I, like everyone else, have the perpetual opportunity to live in this present moment, this right now, or to live in the past and operate as though the experience I am in the middle of right this minute is exactly the same as something that happened before.  Its easy to relive a memory and say "this is the same as that" because our minds like to pigeonhole events, circumstances and occurrences.  It's easy to do that.  Some would say it is even natural and appropriate.  If you are trying to avoid getting eaten by a saber-toothed tiger, or stomped by a Brontosaurus, it makes some sense to remember how one set of circumstances seems very similar to a previous set of circumstances.  In fact, even subconsciously translating or projecting from someone else's story might save your life if you are operating in survival mode. 

Our bodies react to our memories exactly as though they are actual real-in-the-moment events.  In a recent Spiritual Thought from our Sunday Celebration Services, Ernest Holmes (from A New Design for Living, p. 130) says "In whatever aspect of living we desire a betterment - be it in respect to health, abundance, or happiness - we have to know that it is ours now.  We establish the pattern now, we accept what it is now, we know that it is our experience now.  There is no difference between thought and thing.  There is no time element in Mind, nor need there be in out mind.  Whatever good we desire must be accepted as the present reality of our experience.  Only now can it exist."

If I create a fear situation in my mind, my body acts fearful, releasing adrenaline and cortisol, and my body gets ready to fight, flee or freeze.  Basic physiology again.  The bad news, according to the physicians and psychologists who study such things is that this internalized fear state, which may have been created by something completely imaginary, causes an internal physical-chemical stress on the body, and has a long lag time before the body can even begin to come back to its own balance, equilibrium and well being. 

What if "this is not that"?  What if this apparently threatening situation isn't really inherently threatening?  What if the Universe is predominantly a safe place and that all the events in my present experience can be viewed from a positive and supportive perspective?  This doesn't mean I'm going to be stupid and step out in front of a bus to see what happens, but it can mean that I don't automatically interpret a conversation, and impression, or a look as antagonistic from the start. 

Feels like a happier way to live to me.